Realization

I went to Fashion Square yesterday and walked into the Eddie Bauer store. We usually do a fair amount of shopping in this store. I like their clothes, I find them comfortable, etc. It's a place I like to shop. I saw a tunic I liked, beautiful green colour and proceeded to find my usual size, XL I knew that I'd gained some weight since the last time I'd shopped at EB so I took an XXL. It broke my heart as I tried on the top. To my surprise it was way too big in the back but fit in the arms. My arms are disproportionate to the rest of my body (I know, nobody has the perfect figure). I tried the XL on in a different color and it fit. I walked around the store aimlessly I never ended up buying the tunic, instead I came home with two t-shirts (which I love) but I know they don't fit me as well as I'd like.

Moral of the story or perhaps my point is that I wanted to try on the cute skirt, jackets, other tops but I wasn't feeling like shopping. I didn't feel great about myself yesterday. It's probably a good thing that I didn't buy a lot because I'd probably end up regretting some of my choices. Darcy asked why I'd picked the tunic and my response was, "I don't want anything tight fitting on my body!" It's how I'm feeling right now. In the states, there are so many more choices for larger woman than in Canada, at a fraction of the cost.

I know what I'm working on isn't really about a diet but it's about balance and taking care of myself. Balance means in my whole life. I went into that store hoping to find some clothes. But I know that I wouldn't because I've gained some weight. I was punishing myself for being weak and hoping at the same time that I'd be able to fit into my old sizes. I don't need any clothes, that's the thing, I need to eat better and spend more time getting my shit together. More clothes aren't going to make me happy. Just like buying another pair of Uggs at a fraction of the cost in Canada won't make me happy. What does make me happy is finding time to go for a walk, which by the way is what I did this morning. I'm happy I did. It gave me some clarity I didn't have yesterday. Balance is also about not spending a fortune when you've got all that you need in your closet, it's just a matter of wearing what you've got which equals being content and happy with who are and what you've already got. Having more stuff doesn't make you happy. It just puts you farther in debt which then causes you to eat more and exercise less.

Holidays

I'm finally here, actually I've been here for about three days already. Before we left Grande Prairie we'd been dealing with some stressful things. Really sick dog, report cards, parent teacher interviews, sick dog, etc.

I really haven't been accountable to myself. I'm not sure what's up. I started taking vitamin D because I've just been gloomy lately. I'm soooooo tired of winter. It can go away and never come back for all I care.

Of course the whole packing of shorts and t-shirts was a nightmare. Bathing suit included in the list. Do the shorts still fit? What the hell do I look like? Etc. All of the thoughts were running through my head and let me tell you they were not positive thoughts to say the least. It's a good thing the Lululemon shorts are stretchy because I've been living in them since I got here.

We went for a walk yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful here. I actually went to the pool and sat for awhile. Nobody was there except some old men and a lady who was about my size. Let's call her Anne, I've seen her before at functions at the pool or with other people around the complex. She's always so nicely dressed, especially for a bigger lady. There are often times I look at her and go she's beautiful. The clothes she buys, bathing suits, pants, suits, etc. Why can't I find clothes like that. Well for one reason GP doesn't sell anything like that. You can't find nice clothing for big women in Grande Prairie. It's impossible. Don't get me wrong you've got your typical tent t-shirt and elastic polyester pants but nothing stylish. There are not a lot of stylish woman in GP who are bigger.
Maybe I could be a tend setter???? I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here other than I've realized I don't take care of myself and then I beat myself up over it, I eat more, beat myself up, don't take care of myself, etc. It's a terrible cycle. I looked at a lot of the clothes at the store and thought that's really cute or I would like it but when it comes down to it I don't want to draw attention to myself so I fade away into the back ground but ends up happening is I draw negative attention to myself because I look so plain and dowdy.

I need a Stacy and Clinton makeover.

Heading out for a walk.