Journey to Find Balance

Well it's been quite awhile since I've blogged. I've managed to read several other peoples blogs and comment on what they have to say. Honestly, this blogging stuff is new to me. I started it in January and then it kind of dwindled. It's actually like my Best Life dwindled as well.

I'm happy to say that I'm back on track, at least I sure hope I am. I went into this journey knowing that it was going to be a daily struggle and it truly is. In the past 13 weeks I've overcome many obstacles from watching and tracking what I eat(I'm proud to say I've lost 17 pounds), to starting to exercise more, well more than I did before.

I consider myself to be an educated person who knows right from wrong but when it comes to myself I just don't always factor in what's good for me, well I'm working to change that. It's interesting because I'm not a parent, I've got a partner who like me, doesn't exercise or eat as healthy as he can. Some would say we've got all the time in the world to care for ourselves by eating, exercising and getting out and enjoying our lives. But we don't!!! Why would that be? It's a question I often ask myself. I'm constantly searching for the answer and perhaps one day I'll find it.

I'm happy to write that joining Twitter (@maxxakahotdog) has been the best motivation and professional development I could have done for myself. I've learned so much from everyone that I follow. I recently discovered hashtags, Wow!!! I've become involved with #temt. So nice to see others who are wanting to motivate themselves physically to keep some balance. Before I headed to the treadmill I read http://avenue4learning.com/ by @michellek107 on "A Balancing Act" I just started following her today and I can't get enough of her blog posts.

My life needs to have some balance. Twitter, Facebook, Work, Workshop Presentations, Masters, Home, etc. The list is endless. I'm wondering how people do it. Interesting how I neglected to add in eating healthy and exercise. Hmm! What does that say? Okay forgive me, I'm trying my hardest. I think I've just found my new goal, BALANCE!!! I'm thinking the exercise is going to help to relieve some of the stress throughout the year but I've got to do it. It's not about fitting it in, it's about motivating myself to do it so I can feel as good as I do right now. My walk was exhilarating and refreshing. The Wii Active Challenge felt great to work my muscles. I'm always wanting to improve my teaching practice so why not work on my body, muscle, and soul?

Balance is so important in your life. If you can learn to set boundaries, either on the computer, professionally, physically, emotionally then I think you're well on your way to living the best life you can. It's the journey of learning that's the challenge and greatest part. I beat myself up for not taking care of myself or finishing a task that's looming. Perhaps, accepting ourselves for what we are capable of and spending less time worrying. Then the balance will evolve over time. I'm learning to accept myself for who I am. My strengths and my weaknesses. I can only do better.

Perhaps as I write and find the balance and motivation that I seek, the answers will come to me. Looking forward to hearing what you might have to say.

Dinner & A Movie - April 16/10

I did a great job. I'm so proud of myself tonight and all day. I wanted to eat everything today but I didn't. After work, I rode my bike home and walked in the door, took the dogs out and I was hungry. I looked for a snack because I knew I was going for dinner tonight and I only had 15 points left. Dinner would take at least 11 or 12 points. I searched my book and fridge and found brushetta and triscuts. I calculated the points and I had that for a snack instead of cashews, salt & vinegar chips, cereal, etc. I was still hungry but at least the bite was gone. I had myself a shower to revitalize myself and off we went.

Our friends didn't show until 8:30. I'm so glad I ate when we got there. I wouldn't have been able to survive. I ordered an 8 oz. steak, mashed potatoes and grilled veggies. For me it was a healthier choice than fries. I cut the steak in half and brought the rest home. I ate slowly and enjoyed my food. It was delicious.

Then Darcy ordered the White Chocolate Brownie, one of our favourite desserts. It was huge. I didn't eat a bite. Not even a lick of the spoon. It was so hard to resist it but I did it. I'm picking my hard. We then went to the movie and everyone had popcorn and I didn't. Again, I picked my hard.

I'm so proud of myself. I didn't want to cheat the first week because it would have discouraged me. I'm so happy I didn't. I'm staying up to write this but I know I can sleep in tomorrow, not that I will.

Tomorrow is shopping for some groceries and meal planning.

Hunger or Boredom

So at this moment in the afternoon. All I want to do is head to the candy dish in the office and take a Skinny Cow (that's really not a good name for a candy). Either these or something from the vending machine. I'm resisting by writing about my feelings, chewing gum and drinking my water. My stomach feels full but I'm apparently not satisfied or bad habits are kicking in.

I'm so resisting the urge to eat my fruit that I've got saved for afternoon snack because I know after school I'm going to be really hungry. I always am.

I'm stressed about my kids performing at the assembly today. I know they'll do great but I can't help but feel that there performance is a reflecting of my teaching. Yikes!!!!! That's why I hate these stupid assemblies.

Other than that, yesterday was a great day. The weather is so nice. I've been riding my bike to school which feels great. I went for along walk yesterday afternoon with a friend. I was tired last night. Went to bed early.

Food yesterday went well. Wasn't hungry at all. Today I think it's because my fridge is bare and I didn't have a really filling breakfast that I'm feeling hungry. It could also be because it's Friday and I want this one child to go on holidays sooooooo badly. Have two weeks away from him will be heavenly. I'll still have the odd one who wants to act out but this one is a lot of work. He's testing the boundaries these days.

I know this sounds terrible but there are some kids out there that are odd and he's one of them. He upsets the apple cart everyday. Enough about him, this blog is about me, me, me and more me. Just kidding.

TTYL
I'll behave, I promise.
April

Thur. April 14th, 2010

I joined Weight Watchers last night. I'm so glad I did. I really didn't want to but I knew deep in my gut that it was going to be the best thing for me. The leader Joanne is fabulous. She's had her own struggles with weight as well.

I wanted to just get somethings out there. I was afraid to step on the scale. I know I was in the low 200's but I didn't realize how far up there I was. I am setting a record for myself, the heaviest I've ever been. I'm ashamed to write it but it has to be put out there. It's a number and IT'S going to change.

I'm not happy with it but it's my reality right now so as Joanne said, "it's hard to be fat, it's hard to change or your lifestyle and it's hard to maintain it, pick which one you want." I'm picking to change. I've got to. My body is telling me load and clear that it's not happy with packing around an extra 30 pounds everyday on top of the extra weight it already packs around from years past. I've said it before, my back hurts everyday because I've gained a bunch of weight.

I've got to head off. I'm riding my bike to work as a way to get some exercise. Kind of ease me into it. I don't think it's going to be a pleasant ride because if it hurts sitting on the toilet then it's for sure going to hurt on the tiny bike seat. Ouch!!!! Wish me luck.

I'm going to do better about logging in how I feel and how it's going. I PROMISE!!!!

Realization

I went to Fashion Square yesterday and walked into the Eddie Bauer store. We usually do a fair amount of shopping in this store. I like their clothes, I find them comfortable, etc. It's a place I like to shop. I saw a tunic I liked, beautiful green colour and proceeded to find my usual size, XL I knew that I'd gained some weight since the last time I'd shopped at EB so I took an XXL. It broke my heart as I tried on the top. To my surprise it was way too big in the back but fit in the arms. My arms are disproportionate to the rest of my body (I know, nobody has the perfect figure). I tried the XL on in a different color and it fit. I walked around the store aimlessly I never ended up buying the tunic, instead I came home with two t-shirts (which I love) but I know they don't fit me as well as I'd like.

Moral of the story or perhaps my point is that I wanted to try on the cute skirt, jackets, other tops but I wasn't feeling like shopping. I didn't feel great about myself yesterday. It's probably a good thing that I didn't buy a lot because I'd probably end up regretting some of my choices. Darcy asked why I'd picked the tunic and my response was, "I don't want anything tight fitting on my body!" It's how I'm feeling right now. In the states, there are so many more choices for larger woman than in Canada, at a fraction of the cost.

I know what I'm working on isn't really about a diet but it's about balance and taking care of myself. Balance means in my whole life. I went into that store hoping to find some clothes. But I know that I wouldn't because I've gained some weight. I was punishing myself for being weak and hoping at the same time that I'd be able to fit into my old sizes. I don't need any clothes, that's the thing, I need to eat better and spend more time getting my shit together. More clothes aren't going to make me happy. Just like buying another pair of Uggs at a fraction of the cost in Canada won't make me happy. What does make me happy is finding time to go for a walk, which by the way is what I did this morning. I'm happy I did. It gave me some clarity I didn't have yesterday. Balance is also about not spending a fortune when you've got all that you need in your closet, it's just a matter of wearing what you've got which equals being content and happy with who are and what you've already got. Having more stuff doesn't make you happy. It just puts you farther in debt which then causes you to eat more and exercise less.

Holidays

I'm finally here, actually I've been here for about three days already. Before we left Grande Prairie we'd been dealing with some stressful things. Really sick dog, report cards, parent teacher interviews, sick dog, etc.

I really haven't been accountable to myself. I'm not sure what's up. I started taking vitamin D because I've just been gloomy lately. I'm soooooo tired of winter. It can go away and never come back for all I care.

Of course the whole packing of shorts and t-shirts was a nightmare. Bathing suit included in the list. Do the shorts still fit? What the hell do I look like? Etc. All of the thoughts were running through my head and let me tell you they were not positive thoughts to say the least. It's a good thing the Lululemon shorts are stretchy because I've been living in them since I got here.

We went for a walk yesterday. It was absolutely beautiful here. I actually went to the pool and sat for awhile. Nobody was there except some old men and a lady who was about my size. Let's call her Anne, I've seen her before at functions at the pool or with other people around the complex. She's always so nicely dressed, especially for a bigger lady. There are often times I look at her and go she's beautiful. The clothes she buys, bathing suits, pants, suits, etc. Why can't I find clothes like that. Well for one reason GP doesn't sell anything like that. You can't find nice clothing for big women in Grande Prairie. It's impossible. Don't get me wrong you've got your typical tent t-shirt and elastic polyester pants but nothing stylish. There are not a lot of stylish woman in GP who are bigger.
Maybe I could be a tend setter???? I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here other than I've realized I don't take care of myself and then I beat myself up over it, I eat more, beat myself up, don't take care of myself, etc. It's a terrible cycle. I looked at a lot of the clothes at the store and thought that's really cute or I would like it but when it comes down to it I don't want to draw attention to myself so I fade away into the back ground but ends up happening is I draw negative attention to myself because I look so plain and dowdy.

I need a Stacy and Clinton makeover.

Heading out for a walk.

Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. If you live in Alberta I would imagine many of you woke up relaxed because you've got another day to relax and spend time with your loved ones. Don't we all love long weekends? I know I sure do.
The weather is fabulous this weekend, at least in Grande Prairie it is. I walked yesterday, Yay for me!!! Today we plan on going out again.
We had friends over last night. Dinner was a healthy choice. Had some snacks after wards but I tried to make healthy chip choices. That actually sounds like an oxymoron. I don't think chips can be healthy but they can be a better choice than others.
The goal is to get up and be active.
The best part is that my house is somewhat clean, the grocery shopping is done and I can just concentrate on me this weekend.

Happy Family Day tomorrow.