Realization

I went to Fashion Square yesterday and walked into the Eddie Bauer store. We usually do a fair amount of shopping in this store. I like their clothes, I find them comfortable, etc. It's a place I like to shop. I saw a tunic I liked, beautiful green colour and proceeded to find my usual size, XL I knew that I'd gained some weight since the last time I'd shopped at EB so I took an XXL. It broke my heart as I tried on the top. To my surprise it was way too big in the back but fit in the arms. My arms are disproportionate to the rest of my body (I know, nobody has the perfect figure). I tried the XL on in a different color and it fit. I walked around the store aimlessly I never ended up buying the tunic, instead I came home with two t-shirts (which I love) but I know they don't fit me as well as I'd like.

Moral of the story or perhaps my point is that I wanted to try on the cute skirt, jackets, other tops but I wasn't feeling like shopping. I didn't feel great about myself yesterday. It's probably a good thing that I didn't buy a lot because I'd probably end up regretting some of my choices. Darcy asked why I'd picked the tunic and my response was, "I don't want anything tight fitting on my body!" It's how I'm feeling right now. In the states, there are so many more choices for larger woman than in Canada, at a fraction of the cost.

I know what I'm working on isn't really about a diet but it's about balance and taking care of myself. Balance means in my whole life. I went into that store hoping to find some clothes. But I know that I wouldn't because I've gained some weight. I was punishing myself for being weak and hoping at the same time that I'd be able to fit into my old sizes. I don't need any clothes, that's the thing, I need to eat better and spend more time getting my shit together. More clothes aren't going to make me happy. Just like buying another pair of Uggs at a fraction of the cost in Canada won't make me happy. What does make me happy is finding time to go for a walk, which by the way is what I did this morning. I'm happy I did. It gave me some clarity I didn't have yesterday. Balance is also about not spending a fortune when you've got all that you need in your closet, it's just a matter of wearing what you've got which equals being content and happy with who are and what you've already got. Having more stuff doesn't make you happy. It just puts you farther in debt which then causes you to eat more and exercise less.